This is what you'd get if you tried to read my mind....

The first time in my university career that i finished a paper BEFORE the day it was due

2007-02-26T07:41:37Z

Again the yearning for familiarity in the form of anonymity (although, how anonymous am I really? broadcasting my thoughts into the world wide web as opposed to the *mostly private* realm of my sketchbook?) I guess the people who may read my sketchbook someday are closer and more important to me than whoever reads this.....anonymity. Familiarity comes with a easily visible record of myself......a record that goes farther back in the past than when I came to Montreal.....a record that proves (to a believable extent) that I DID in fact exist before this.

and the details still seem unimportant.

valentine's day. you fucking love it.

2007-02-15T09:05:53Z

wooooo valentine's day. woooo radiohead. *sigh* well this is the record breaking year.....i am officially more alone now than I have been in any other year of my life it seems.
it's kind of annoying that this entire entry will be contaminated with my knowledge that someone will probably read it....and where once this was the main reason for having this journal, today I just can't bring myself to admit these words to my own handwriting. This journal has become my outlet of anonymity.....where the words still exist....my experience is still becoming validated [real] because it's recorded somwhere....however it's almost nowhere. By recording my experience here, it's half way acknowledging it and half-way sending it off into non-existence [just like putting it in my memory]

to explain my state of 'alone'....For the past 4 years on this day I've had a lover to share my closest space. In this way I am alone, however what makes me alone enough to record is my lack of best friend (she's in new brunswick) and my lack of family....two things i had all the other years which i took completely for granted....and now I'm thinking that those things should have been just as important to note on Valentine's day as some teenage boy i met at a party the week before. Or an opinionated guy with a mohawk and piercings. or chad (for lack of a better discription)......or the guy who i'm thoroughly infatuated with because he's mysterious and indifferent to me who happened to be really drunk that night.*sigh* no......I should have noted the people who love me and shower me with the feeling that this world is a familiar place. [home]

I'm fucking done.

2006-12-29T04:11:00Z

I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I feel like I'm suffering a loss right now. Like something is dying. I feel raw.....restless....but at a loss of what to actually do.....I don't actually want to do anything at all. I just want a fucking cigarette.

All I have to do is remind myself that I made a choice. Also that just because I can't SEE my lungs doesn't mean I'm not doing them some permanent damage....not that I necessarily believe in living forever, but this body is my universe. This is where I live for the duration of this lifetime.....and to pollute myself with poison that feels good in the moment is the exact same thing as buying an SUV or taking 8 showers a day or eating beef for every meal. It's the same damn thing. I like to tell myself I'm 'strong'. I like to believe this about myself.

Oh fucking christ it's only the 4th day.
......It will not be like this forever. It seems like it would.....like this is only the beginning.....but the farther away i get from when I smoked a pack a day the easier it will be to forget....the farther away i get the more entrenched my new habit of NOT SMOKING will become. This is will get easier.
STOP thinking about how much you want one and how sad it is that you cannot have one......think about why you don't want or need one.

I've shed my skin again

2006-10-26T05:20:04Z

Sitting in the wheelchair in my new home. It's still new because it just recently became truly ours. You're supposed to arrive in empty an apartment....ours was filled wall to wall with what could only be called baggage. Our apartment shed it's skin a few times before it finally felt like home.

So it's empty again and now we can fill it up with whatever our heart's desires.

this month.

2006-10-15T06:08:18Z

Whiplash from headbanging at foufes. Tumorous bruise healing slowly from hit and run. New job---bouncing back from being fired. Barren apartment---after storing everyone who ever lived here's SHIT for a month they all showed up within the same week to reclaim things and leave us with 2 inch thick foamies on the floor and a broken dishwasher full of rotting spaggetti.

First day of rebirth

2006-10-06T06:25:46Z

This room is suddenly comfortable and beautiful....despite its state of absolute disarray.....it's now mine. And for some reason that fact makes an otherwise chaotic room [with a bed in the middle of 4 bookcases two computer desks two oldschool trunks (treasure style) and and massive dresser belching clothes] seem familiar and romantic.

The music is---if only for its randomness---...good.

fucked fucking fucker fuck

2006-10-02T17:07:09Z

Well....it's been a while since May. This entry is going to be the colour of the bruises on my leg.

Feeling strangely depressed....mainly as a result of the lingering heartbreak induced by watching Legends of the Fall, and my sex nightmare in which the Duke [from Moulin Rouge---also known as THE creepiest most unnerving character of movie history] had his way with me.

I was hit by a car on my bike, and in my attempt to keep whining down to a minimum, I have denied that it happened at all, abandonned the crutches and took on a serving shift last night....which today has resulted in very inconvenient pain(as walking is my main mode of transportation in Montreal---or at least now it is, since bike was demolished).

The last thing on earth I feel like doing is going to sign language class tonight. The trek is long and being silent for 3 hours is the opposite of what I need right now. I feel like standing in the middle of a busy street and screaming. I feel like crying into someone's armpit while they rub my back and tell me it's okay for things not to be okay. I feel like singing and playing on a guitar that isn't missing a string. I feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing forever.

scarlett_36 @ 2006-05-10T23:16:00

2006-05-11T03:16:32Z

Today was marvelous. Life is really feeling rich.....and not just lately....as if I've been working up to this point of sheer ecstasy and now I'm just reveling in it. But not to give the wrong impression....this ecstasy is definitely bittersweet....but it's my ability to embrace both the bitter and the sweet that is allowing me to take pleasure in every detail of existence.

[and also my new job that provides me with access to thoroughly interesting people AND gives me an excuse to traipse around downtown in the sun all day]

I really didn't believe that I could have a kind of fun in Ottawa that rivals the fun I had in Montreal [the sublime kind of fun]

Someone give me validation

2006-04-21T05:35:20Z

chain smoking. My lungs feel singed. Cleaned my room today. My brain still feels messy. As if something has polluted my stream of consciousness and now the water is murky brown with ambiguous bits of garbage floating by.

I feel like I have way too much control over my life. I have the power to make reality into whatever I desire. I have no idea what I desire....so my reality is this empty limbo saturated with my indecisiveness.

Where is the line between honesty and selfishness?

I'm going to sleep naked tonight.
[changed my sheets finally]

roller coaster day

2006-04-20T04:45:12Z

Don't feel like writing by hand.....it's too personal. I'm feeling naked. Like here, I'm constantly exposed to the world....it's a little ironic seeing as I'm such an exhibitionist. The fates have put me in a position so extreme that I'm finally beginning to feel like I want to exit the stage.

After 5 days of pure ecstasy I finally came down. Hard. It's been a really long time since I've fallen into that zone of despair. You know when you look at your life and feel like there's nothing worth it....even though you know there's absolutely no reason to feel that way. You're rational mind is going, 'what the fuck....everything was beautiful an hour ago' but you can't really change the fact that the world looks like all the colour was drained out of it.

I was in the park today listening to an old man with curley silver hair and a young guy with a red guitar that looked like a huge violin.....they were playing gypsy music on portable amps. The sky looked liked a crystal ball. When they were done playing, this other guy approached us....he was round with thick lips cemented into a frown. HIs contagious negativity contaminated my day....and I wasn't the same after he came and regurgitated his sad existence to us over and over again. I sang for him....it guess I did it for the wrong reasons. A song about how he should shut up and enjoy the ride was probably not really what he needed at that point.

Listening to a random audio tape. I was in an amazing record store yesterday and I suddenly realized that my ghetto blaster from the 80s only plays tapes....and I began to wonder why the shit I haven't been buying tapes all year as they're SO CHEAP. So I went to the tape wall and picked one that said 'garbage' in raunchy black letters with a hot pink backgound. It's pretty good for girly rock music.

The usual Kaitlin bullshit.

2006-04-16T04:07:03Z

So. I have that suffocating feeling of guilt....it's similar to butterflies in your stomach but it's in your chest and it feels like something is slowly tightening your insides and they're about to snap. Anxiety.

And my rational mind reminds me of the fact that I've had 6 hours of sleep in the last 60 hours and that everything is exaggerated and much more intense than it actually is in reality. [but what the fuck is reality?]

I'm tempted to question whether I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but seeing as that's a regular habit of mine, I don't see how this situation could be any more or less exaggerated by my subconscious desire for theatrics than any other event in my past.

I don't give myself enough credit sometimes. It's not that I enjoy obsessing over trivialities and getting attention for it---it's that I think too goddamn much. I let myself pour over the possible implications of whatever questionable activity I indulged in to a point of absolute distortion. There are certain things that you can come to a conclusion about. And there are other things you will never be able to understand or predict;such as how something you did made someone else feel, what the consequences will be, what would have happened if you had acted differently......

And here I go again.

scarlett_36 @ 2006-03-27T02:23:00

2006-03-27T07:35:34Z

An ancient Buddha once said, "mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers. These words do not mean mountains are mountains; they mean mountains are mountains" (Dogen 70). Explain the difference in attitude between the person for whom "mountains are mountains" and the person for whom "mountains are mountains" from first the Zen point of view and the the Pure Land point of view.

Let this go down in history as the essay that pushed me over the edge of my sanity and then threw me back again......so here I am bruised and beaten but hey at least I discovered the duality of the non-duality of duality and in so doing reached the ultimate height of non-duality of duality and non duality right?

Day 3 of operation 'no drugs'

2006-02-26T02:02:58Z

I feel sick. I feel lonely. I feel tired and lethargic. I feel irritable---supersensitive. I feel significantly stupider.

I do not feel more clear minded. I do not have more energy. I do not feel motivated to do anything. Music is lifeless.....the world is bland.....yet inspiration isn't entirely lost. The hideous state of the world right now is so extreme that it's beautiful.

I just have no desire to express that beauty in any form.

Suddenly I'd rather write in my livejournal.....as opposed to writing by hand in one of the numerous journals I keep around. It's more convenient. Faster....less effort. Or maybe it's just easier to write on a computer when you know you have nothing of interest to say.

Day 1 of mission: 'no more drugs'

2006-02-23T04:15:23Z

Finally! There's a hot pink option.

So. My grandpa dies in the middle of reading week. Now I'm in limbo; between the familiarity and comfort of home [which I needed very badly after the barrage of social activity that is residence] and the alien world of my mom's family [otherwise known as my family]. So I'm in Toronto. Also in limbo between high and sober.....smoked a long time ago.....but not all the way sober just yet. *sigh* Enforcing a non-drug policy during the funeral and all that. Although it should be a gesture of respect towards the uptight half of my family during this 'hard time'.....it's actually just because I don't have any money left and I have no idea where to buy it in Toronto.

Anyway....it's been a good reading week despite the fact that it's been short lived. It was really nice to see people that I'm sure really really like me. I think the problem with residence is that because I'm always with Lara I never really take the time to connect individually with people.....and most people just look at us as a single entity.....so when people spend time with me I'm never really assured that they actually want to see ME. [it should be noted that this is not me saying I should spend less time with Lara.....most of the time I'd rather hang out with her than anyone else anyway. But being me, I want to have my cake and eat it too.]

I usually just shrug off this insecurity, but it nontheless feels good to come home and feel truly loved and enjoyed. It also feels good to finally open myself up to really enjoying people again. It's been a while.

scarlett_36 @ 2006-02-11T03:12:00

2006-02-11T08:22:42Z

strange...i've generally lost the desire to document my life and it's events......instead I write vague jot note type things I think are poetic.....the events play the role of inspiration in this case. I guess the names of people and a precise account of the events seem less significant than the emotions and thoughts these things provoke......maybe thoughts and emotions are best left thought and felt as opposed to written......who knows.

Got myself off in the bathroom of a coffee shop this morning.[that was meant to be in a rough around the edges dark comedy type tone of voice]

Saw Vagina monologues......FABULOUS. I know this seems a typical and predictable reaction......but whoever may have made the assumption that I would love the Vagina Monologues did so because they obviously KNOW me.

Details seem unimportant.

And I have nothing of greater proportions to say.

[i just felt a craving to communicate with someone before I went to bed....and this is the next best thing to a friend]

waiting for East Asian Religions Class

2006-02-01T18:33:42Z

The world is silver today.

Uncovering some very profound truths in Chuang Tzu. Is it awe inspiring or depressing to find that philosophies you had created as a result of serious thought and personal experience have actually been around since the beginnings of humanity?

Hmmm.

Awe-inspiring that these ideas came naturally to me and that they are real and true in my reality---I came to these conclusions on my own. I believe that's the only real way to learn anything, seeing as you can't really understand the nature of something until you yourself have lived it [or maybe that's just me?]. And it's comforting to know that somebody else agrees. sidenote: I think that you can only renounce society to a certain extent. Disconnecting yourself completely from all external ideas and standards in an attempt to create your OWN reality---entirely independent thought and understanding---is the road to insanity. I think that we are definitely capable of this, having a perception of the world untainted by what is deemed right or wrong by society.....but I've decided that the recognition/understanding of others is necessary to a certain extent---if you psychologically isolate yourself completely from society no real world exists. If everything is subjective, there is nothing. We have to interact with each other and witness each other, it's in our nature as a species.

I don't know if this is coherant.....words never properly convey ideas and philosophies anyway.

scarlett_36 @ 2006-01-27T01:35:00

2006-01-27T06:47:12Z

Wow. I was just assulted by the face of the guy I dated in grade 11 who dumped me for a goth who lived down the road.

What an instrusion. [will someone please tell me how to deprogram those poppy uppy things? This has been very traumatizing.]

Definitely never wanted to be this girl.

Feeling severely lost in every meaning of the word. Let me just ask you; how do you judge what is 'right'? Not strictly in the moral sense, but what is 'good'? For you?

In moral philosophy I was affronted with the idea of relativism. Seemed undeniably accurate. What really got me though, was this: our moral standards have been so embedded in us by socialization that we cannot judge another's standands. Why? Think about it. The standards by which you judge another's moral convictions....even you're own moral convictions.....are a product of your very culture. So theoretically, you try to have a completely objective point of view. Renounce you're previous standards and incorporate a new variety of your own choosing. But wait. There's an inconvenient LACK of standards in that equation.

Anyways.....I'm learning. This is good.

Spanish Class: exponentially better than last term; new teacher who actually understands that in order to learn a language you need to SPEAK it. Also finally starting to come across things I don't already know [I was trapped in a beginner class] So I'm learning NEW things now. That's fucking awesome.
East Asian Religions class: Best prof. Best class. Period.
International Politics: Developing Areas: A lot of information I already know, but it's good to keep reminding myself how obscene and unnatural this life is, and how much I want to leave. [it's so easy here to forget real pain exists]
Sexual Ethics: Very enlightening......sexuality is a very interesting topic to analyse. I always took it at face value.

Tomorrow I'm going to face my greatest fear.

[i'll update when the humiliation of the decade occurs]

trying to retain sanity in a crumbling world

2006-01-21T09:56:41Z

I went to a wedding not long ago....the first one where the people getting married were my age. Regardless, I stood out. My mom's rich friends. I spent most of the time taking advantage of the free wine on the patio with a cigarette---letting the lead guitarist of the funk band chat me up [he was 50 no less]. I remember the second I got there I saw an older woman dressed vibrantly [like me] and I immediately felt drawn to her.

She told me two principles she lives by, and I never applied them until now. Needless to say, I feel enlightened.

'I don't know mind': being aware that you don't know, you're wrong, you're lost.....and knowing that it's fine.
'awareness, acceptance': being conscious of your surroundings and your emotions and thoughts, and accepting them---in so doing loving them.

adorned in clashing shades of black [hair, pants, tank top] and bright pink undergarments

2005-12-23T15:37:11Z

This is sobering.

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape.
Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.

Instead of that bullshit, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching tv, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and It's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.
Don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
Don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.
If you agree, repost it. It's that important.

It's official. I am THE sexual humiliation queen

2005-12-09T05:47:37Z

I guess I shouldn't be surprised it hasn't actually happened yet. Seeing as I've suffered every other possible sexual humiliation, who was I to believe I could actually escape the ultimate humiliation that is someone [or multiple people] actually catching you in the act---solo.

So it is now clear that I will never be able to play loud music in my room with the doors closed again for fear of creating substantial [and slightly legitimate] suspicion and curiosity. *SIGH*

I think the main problem with embarassing moments is that they can in no way---no matter how many ways you look at it---be even fractionally romantic. That shit is just plain awkward.

On a brighter note, I can't think of many more possible awkward sexual situations that I'm not already adequately prepared to take on with my vast knowledge and wisdom on the subject.

scarlett_36 @ 2005-12-07T01:41:00

2005-12-07T06:50:05Z

"I wish I was evil, cuz that's, like, the ultimate form of beauty"

Pete mocking me today in the midst of a failed attempt to read the entire course material of 'mr gallager is a crusty anti-american 211" in less than 24 hours.

I'm disconnected with this journal. Every time I write in it I feel like I'm trying to be some sarcastic yet intelligent jaded hippie/philosopher who has a slight comedic charm some days when she's on her game.......and alot of the time I just can't live up to that. Other times I rebel against it but the fact of the matter remains that every time I write this is at the back of my mind regardless.

I'm imprisoned by the knowledge that other people are reading this.

Do you ever have that involuntary thought when you read someone else's journal,

'shit, my journal should be like this. This is far more sarcastic yet intelligent jaded hippie/philosopher than mine......and she's always on her game. Damn.'

There is pomegranite juice on my mouse.

scarlett_36 @ 2005-12-02T01:54:00

2005-12-02T16:45:20Z

Blah blah fucking blah.....

Spent the majority of today playing music. The arts never cease to amaze me. I mean it with every fibre of my being when I say that they are the only thing redeeming our existence on this Earth. It's like a completely different language....communicating and thinking on an entirely different level and progressing on entirely different planes of reality.

Despite what [whoever's reading this] may think, I'm completely clear and free of substance.

[I'm not stoned] just tired....but full of that unsettled feeling

scarlett_36 @ 2005-11-14T22:28:00

2005-11-15T04:44:53Z

Why do I feel slightly ashamed at my present infatuation?

[kaitlin's conscience] because kaitlin, it's a druuuuuug. And you're addicted. Quit lying to yourself.

*sigh*

A sad realization.

2005-10-20T04:37:26Z

Incompetent: Devoid of those qualities requisite for effective conduct or action

I cannot get work done here. I spent the past two weeks blaming distractions and the atmosphere of rez for my lack of productivity....and now I finally realize that there is no scapegoat here. I AM PATHETICALLY UNMOTIVATED and distracted. I've spent this ENTIRE NIGHT doing absolutely nothing and now that it's 12:30 I feel like starting something would be a 'waste of time'. This is what I tell myself.

Still feeling a little self-critical. Definitely no where near inner peace.

Profession of self hatred

2005-10-14T18:04:22Z

I've been really full of self-hatred lately. Incredibly critical of everything I've been doing.....like everything I am and everything I do is wrong. I don't know why I'm so repulsed by my self......

I want money to stop stressing me out. I feel like there's this deep rooted instinct within me to hoard things and crave glamourous material objects---surround myself with them and live an eccessive lifestyle. It's hard because these instincts directly oppose my beliefs. But I see these qualities all around me in my family, and have been exposed to them since birth. Everyone in my dad's family counts everything, craves 'nice things', and is eager to claim possession over things. Something as simple as thanksgiving dinner is warfare in the Prest family. I want to deprogram this part of my genetics. It causes totally unnecessary and unwarranted anxiety.

I want to start doing what I came here to do. Partying every day is NOT something I see as liberating. It's binding me in chains. Chaining me down from learning.....chaining me down to a belief that I need a yet another substance (A DRUG just like cigarettes).

I want to be thoroughly honest, not just occasionally. When you lie to yourself or to others it's totally obvious to anyone who has even a little bit of tuition. It's silly and it's a bad habit to get into.....I want to communicate my thoughts purely...instead of complicating things for myself and others by trying to determine what they're reaction may or may not be and if it's negative or positive.